a taste of ‘The Shitlist’

36 writers feature on The Shitlist …

scroll down for tastes …


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I watched as she waddled past my desk, off to the ladies’ room like she goes every half hour. Stopping beside my nameplate, she glared at it, then snorted. / from One Fine June Morning by Matt Potter

Posey was the only person, apart from his late grandmother, who could put him at ease. She was responsible for… well, just about everything good that had happened in his life … / from Potty Mouth by Tim Thompson

His main endeavor seems to be some book he’s been working on for God knows how long. And that book, at least indirectly, is how he came to be at odds with Mrs. Rivers. / from An Inconvenient Reminder by Howard Brown

He’s in the Quonsettville Boy Scouts, in Raven District, which he’s not happy about because they’ve decided to include girls and changed the name to BSA. / from Camp by Melisa Quigley

Euphoria Rivers ran just about everything in town by 2011, and what she didn’t run, she shook up till folks were going around like they’d been hit over the head. / from The Confession of Delmar H. Dickerson by Jan McCarthy

“Apparently, his fly patterns are aerodynamically challenging to cast. Do we want to subject our tourists to the wrath of his creations?” / from Catch and Release by Jim Bell

Her library schooling consisted of a correspondence course from the University of Tawahus which, spelled backwards—‘Suhawat’—sounds like ‘So What.’ / from Claudette’s Secret by Mike Lewis-Beck

Let me assure you that hiring teachers and taking parents’ tuition payments, or whatever she did there, does not automatically qualify one as an artist of some sort. / from Estelle Burgstaller’s Letter by G. P. Gottlieb

“You deserve your revenge. You weren’t the only one she peed on.” I looked at the floor. I guess Bernice had a point. / from How It Got Out by Bruno Rodriguez

“Yes, but dear Euphoria, it is only a librarian’s master. It’s not a real masters degree.” He stretched himself as tall as possible. “Not like mine.” / from Descartes by Vickie J. Litten

She’d thought the name Devereux was familiar but hadn’t connected Henry with her high school English teacher, assuming him to be much older – an uncle, maybe. / from Error of Judgment by Jane Andrews

“Thank you, but we don’t need any help at the moment,” I said, giving her a smug grin. “We just want to see what books we want to check out.” / from Flight from Quonsettville by Holly Saiki

Promptly at 5AM the very next morning, a quiet Friday, they met behind the community center, shook hands laughing the while, and set forth on their errands. / from Fish for Mrs. Rivers by William Butler

She used the eraser and the hackey sack to prop the pages open for a door. Beatrix Potter illustrations made giant murals on each wall. / from Neveah and Hunca Munca Visit the Library by Mary Krakow

“And I am not hearing you, Mrs Rivers,” I answered, stepping between the bowser and her car. “Because it is too important a cultural event to let petty small-town small-mindedness drive a stake through its heart.” / from A Dream of More Cultured Days by Sally-Anne Macomber

It reached the point where I even started to feel annoyed at my trendy K-Pop ringtone. But business is business, and business was booming. / from Bethany Lorell by Jessica Schneider

… we have leash and poop pick-up rules, even if our own, very rotund Police Chief Turpin turns a blind eye to anything that requires him to leave his office. / from Letter To The Editor – About Angus by Gary Zenker

She suspected the phone colluded with the computer to make her job harder but whenever she tried to make that argument it would be refuted. / from New Rule at the Post Office by Shanique Burton

While I waited my turn, I took the opportunity to query Euphoria regarding the French word for jam. She whispered, “en français they call jams preserves, so just say préservatif.” / from Justice is Served by Chris Hall

Chester’s heart was pounding. What was that expression, that tone in her voice? What did the woman know? / from On Rutabaga: Chester’s Story by Christopher Muscato

“If it weren’t for my loyalty to local business, I’d have stopped buying your overpriced meat a long time ago… No wonder your daughter prefers Kale Express!” / from The Shitty Exchange by Samuel Gullikson

“Are you making fun of my speech impediment?” he would counter. “It’s not a speech impediment Horville. It’s a decision to misuse the English language,” she would recounter. “A conscious decision.” / from ome is where the eart is by Lance Manion

But Euphoria Rivers kept right on yakking, just like she was Queen of the May … / from That One by Chuka Susan Chesney

Nana was round and little and not a bit witchy to look at, but she did make potions in her pressure-cooker, cough-syrups and indigestion remedies that she sold in local markets. / from A Flick of the Wand by Patience Mackarness

Valletta told us that we should try and believe on our own during the week, the more we practiced at home, the more we would get out of the course. / from Labette Luricroix’s Favorite Color by David Rae

Their prank at the library took a little more planning, since they had to time it just right. Buddy found a beat up hardback copy of one of the big Harry Potter books and hollowed it completely out. / from Unforgivable Sins of a Possum Murderer by Jenna Hillhouse

… they knew the manager of The Moonlight Bar had set them up, and decided to have some fun at his expense. / from The Vengeance of Wiley Pescatoria by Robin Hillard

“Pastor Burton wants to neutralize what could be an explosive situation. You know, with her interest in black arts.” / from Sunday Surprise by Tom Fegan

Euphoria simply pointed at the “This is a place for reading: please be respectful of others” sign that had probably been there for twenty years. / from Out-Shush the Librarian Challenge by Beatriz Seelaender

Damn, they’d seen him drive up. The stupid cow herself lurking behind the curtains or her puppet of a husband. / from Rank Frank by Claudia Bierschenk

“So, what is the problem exactly?” Mrs. Rivers asked, watching me with suspicion. Most likely she’d heard already I’m fresh out of prison. / from Another Job Well Done by Edward Andrew Parks

Soon, Jean-Pierre was trying to recruit me to his side of the flame war. One evening, while bingeing Netflix and stereotypically drinking wine with my cat, I heard a heavy pound on my door. / from Jean-Pierre Pelletier by Rachael Dickzen

Loretta had a messiah complex. Even though most people may not particularly like her, she desperately wanted to save them. / from Loretta Lane LaBiché by Benjamin Whitaker

But ballet students from Li’l Twirlers in Burlington soon began trickling into my studio in Quonsettville. These students’ fundamentals were practically non-existent. / from The Shitlist, Revisited by Kathryn Hood

I know Euphoria, the chief librarian – it is hard to fail to know, or at least know about, anyone in a town of almost 7000. / from Dear Prudence by Michael Webb

The venetian blind swayed indolently as if to mock her. Did it truly mean the library hadn’t opened since yesterday afternoon? / from Florry’s Perspective … with Soda by Keira Morgan

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